Grill A Steak!

It’s time to grill a steak! If you want to fry yours in a skillet or broil it in an oven, that’s your business. But for me, I’m going to cook mine in the manliest way possible: with fire! And my fire won’t be just an ordinary fire. This fire will be the fire of the Gods. The fire that melts metal, burns villages and succumbs little to any of the elements. The very fire I propose, primitive man used to warm himself before any real dwelling became known to him other than a cave. And as for the meat, it will be the most precious of tender cuts, luscious with articles of fat and yet will have all the attributes of its mammal like origin including a bone! Along with my main course will be all the usual suspects like ,perhaps potato salad or a baked potato and maybe some beans, bread and salad.

Let’s go step by step to influence our effort to the sterling heights of it’s ultimate conclusion. Let us enjoy merriment and fellowship as the event ascends upwards to the majestic heavens. We shall spare no effort nor expense in our crusade for perfect bliss and certain flatulence.

Make your fire so hot your neighbor yells from over the fence “you’ve singed my wife’s eyebrows”!

Beans with dignity. Heat up a nice pot of beans with stuff you’ve added from the fridge. Things like barbeque sauce, ketchup, A1, hot mustard, jalapeños and anything else you can muster up.

Slap dat bitch potato salad with real mayonnaise, garlic, red onion, paprika, ground pepper, oregano and sea salt. Use new potatoes because the meal demands the first born of all species!

If you prefer a baked potato, don’t forget the cheese and the bacon. Your palette demands taste and girth. You need big potatoes like the ones that Irish village you conquered earlier can provide. Pile heaping samples of cheese, sour cream, green things and bacon. If you can still see any evidence of a potato underneath your bacon heap, you haven’t fried enough bacon.

Select some nice thick monster steaks that are not only big but mighty! Get a small mallet or small hand held sledge hammer. Don’t just tenderize. Brutalize! Season with spices like humans have never known. Braze your selection on the open fire allowing enough time to cook on each side but without loosing the juices within. I like mine medium rare.

Drink from the Chalice of the Gods. Drink the blood of the saints. I prefer a nice mineral water turned to red wine by Jesus himself.

The villagers and peasants are outside praising your conquests and await your next command.

Use the very brawn of both your hands and tear off a big piece of bread. Beat your right fist on the table once and yell at your women. Don’t use words because that only confuses the message. Simply yell: ahhhhhhhhhhh. This tells the female to quickly fetch butter to be melted and poured on your head!

Now eat. The day was good. You have a bounty of heads to shrunken later and you have hundreds of limbs of the offenders you conquered. Their livestock is now your livestock. Their peasants are now under your command and you are feared throughout the land.

Get some of the very juices this animal has died for on your beard and on your clothes. Look on with wild eyes and raised cup to the others that share in this feast.

Have your woman ignite the large image box so you can watch Grog and his cohorts get mutilated and dismembered by their opponents for your pleasure and amusement.


And now for a sensibly thinning yet decadent desert……